FISHER HOME

"What?" Paula's voice resonates with astonishment -- and maybe a touch of fear.

Bill props himself up on the pillow with his elbow. "It was about the kids, wasn't it?" Clearly this is more a statement than a question, despite what the inflection at the end might suggest.

"I know you've been on-edge about all of them," he continues, "especially with all this tension between Molly and Sarah now."

"Yes," Paula admits, sitting up again. She leans against the headboard and uses several fingers to knead her forehead, in a vain attempt to make the nightmare fade from memory.

"Everything will work out, I promise. The girls have always--"

"That's not all, Bill."

Now it is Bill's turn to be taken by surprise. "What do you mean?"

She has to shake off the anxiety before she can say it. It takes several deep breaths, some closing of the eyes, and a lengthy pause. "It was about my son, Bill."

He knows exactly what she means. His initial reaction is difficult to gauge. She expects a blow-up or some muttering but it does not come.

"I'm sorry."

It comes out of nowhere and Paula is shocked. After all these years, after all the discussions -- now?

"I'm sorry you still have to deal with this," Bill says. "I've always known what a significant part of your life it was, but I guess I never wanted to acknowledge that it's something that bothers you. I wanted to believe I was the only one bothered by it, that I was the only one who got hurt."

The surprise is still sinking in. She manages to reach out a hand to touch one of his. "Thank you, Bill."

She lies back down and resumes staring up at the ceiling. Silence is washing back over them, drawing her back into sleep -- and then, suddenly: "Do you wonder what things might have been like if we'd made a different decision?"

Hearing Bill ask the question multiplies Paula's shock from before by ten times. It takes her a moment to gather any sort of response.

"Of course," she says. "If we'd chosen not to give him up, you mean?"

"Yeah. What would this family have been like with five kids? Would we have even had the other four? How would we have dealt with the whole situation? They're strange things to think about."

"They are," she agrees.

Now the silence comes. Once Bill broached the topic of how things might have been, Paula expected a discussion, an analysis of the choice they made and perhaps even a segue into ... No, it doesn't matter. Not now. Bill has ceased the conversation.

She waits for what feels like an eternity for him to speak again, but he doesn't. Eventually she glances over and sees that he has fallen back asleep.

So close, she thinks with a stab of anguish.

Try as she might, she knows that is not a possibility for her tonight. Even those few lines of conversation have sent the wheels of her mind into overdrive.

Somewhere amidst all the spinning, she realizes that a decision has been made: She will not be cannot until it is done. And it will be done.

END OF EPISODE #218

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