MARSHALL APARTMENT
Jason glances up at Alex only briefly
and then focuses somewhere across the room. "Because I understand."
"What?" Now reality is truly becoming
distorted for Alex. Is he hearing what he thinks he's hearing?
"I understand what you're going through,"
Jason says. But the tone isn't what Alex would expect, and all too quickly
his mind flashes back to the painful memory of that night last spring when
he misunderstood Jay ...
"I mean, sorta," Jason adds, clearly
remembering the same instance. "That fear, that it's something you don't
want to be and can't ever be. Because people make you think there's something
so wrong about it that there has to be something wrong with you."
"Yeah." Hearing the words from someone
else's lips -- from anyone's lips, for that matter, because he hasn't dared
speak them. Not this clearly. And not for a long time.
"I can relate, I guess, in a way.
I got teased about it all the time when I was younger. I got called a fag
and a pansy and whatever else more times than I can count, just because
of skating. I got used to it. I got used to getting angry about it and
wanting so badly for it not to be true."
Alex's voice comes out like a whisper
now. "But it wasn't ... was it?"
Jason shakes his head. "That's the
thing. I'm not gay, Alex, I know that. But it's something most guys don't
even think about! I was trying to figure it out when I was 13, 14. That's
something I've never totally gotten past."
"... which is why you got so freaked
out when ... when I--"
"Yeah. I'm sorry for that--"
"No, I'm sorry. That was the last
thing I should have ever done. It was totally a violation--"
"Forget it. Seriously. I want to
put that behind us. I want us to be able to be friends with no hangups
between us, no weirdness."
Alex pauses, then reaches out to
take Jay's outstretched hand. "Deal."
They shake as Alex reminds himself
how fortunate he is to have a friend like this. But only a friend ...
"All right," Jason says. "Now it's
your turn to tell."
"Tell what?"
"I dunno ... Your story, I guess.
You know -- how'd you figure it out? Have you ever been ... involved with
someone? I wanna know, dude. You should be able to talk about this stuff."
Alex nods, but already the temptation
to share -- finally -- is being overridden.
"No," he says quietly. "Not yet."
"Huh?"
"Not yet. I'm just ... I'm not ready
yet. This is happening really fast."
"All right." Now that pat on the
back doesn't seem so inappropriate to Jason and he offers it happily. "When
you're ready to talk, I'm here."
"Okay. Thanks." The urge to open
up and tell Jason everything is still strong, but Alex knows he can't do
it now. But he will, someday -- someday soon. And then maybe he'll be able
to put all that behind him, as well. At long last.
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