FISHER HOME
"Claire, dear," Paula says gently,
"there are times when I think of Tim being gone and it hurts so badly--there's
nothing I want more than to see someone punished for it."
"The Morianis are those people,"
Claire cuts in. "And they will pay."
Paula shakes her head and goes on
with greater firmness. "That's not going to accomplish what you're hoping
it will. Revenge is not going to bring Tim back, and I'm willing to bet
that it won't even feel as good as you believe it will."
"Oh, it'll feel good."
"The quest for it is what feels good,"
Paula says. "You lose yourself in the mission. It feels as though you're
doing something to make Tim come back. But when you accomplish your goal
-- if you accomplish your goal and there aren't any ugly complications,
which isn't normally the case -- it will be a hollow victory. Sure, someone
will be made to pay for Tim's death, but it won't bring him back."
Claire stares out into the garden
again. It looks to Paula as if her daughter-in-law is trying to lose herself
out there, to distance herself from the sharp, biting reality of what they
are discussing.
That couldn't be further from the
truth. On the outside, Claire is showing no signs of the struggle going
on inside of her. She is pushing herself to vocalize something that has
become abundantly clear to her over the last several months.
"This isn't just about the Morianis,"
she says finally.
The admission takes Paula by surprise.
Her eyebrows crunch down as she focuses in more clearly.
"It's about ... It's about me. About
my past," Claire continues. There is no consistent rhythm to her speech:
One strand of words sounds as though each and every sound is being pulled
painfully from within her, like they are being resisted almost too powerfully
-- but then the next ones just come tumbling out rapidly.
"When I married Tim ... He saved
me from that. He helped me get away from past. With Tim--that was the first
time I was really able to break away from my father. Tim gave me the strength
to do that. But then he was taken away ... The past took him away. It was
the Morianis who caused it. If they hadn't been playing these games, if
they hadn't stormed back into my life and then tried to take advantage
of Mrs. Fitch -- Tim would still be here."
Paula wants to try and reassure her,
but the truth behind the sentiments suddenly seems so powerful that she
cannot even conjure up a contradiction.
"It won't go away," Claire is saying.
"I'm sure Diane will make my father and probably the Morianis an issue
in the custody case. The past might make me lose Samantha, too. And I can't
let that happen, Paula -- I can't keep letting that happen. My past has
to be stopped, and I have to be the one to do it."
"Claire." Paula sounds desperate,
as if she is trying to bring back someone who is dangerously close to being
lost. "The only way you can be rid of the past is to move forward. Your
father is gone. You have us now. You are a Fisher."
Claire appears ready to fight this,
but then says, "I know. I ... Thank you. Thank you for making me a part
of this family."
Paula smiles warmly. She is almost
positive that Claire is going to add a "but" to the statement but it never
arrives.
"It's hard to keep that in mind at
times," Claire says. "Just thinking about everything that has happened
-- and now with Tim gone ... there are times I just feel empty, you know?"
Paula responds with a nod, a mournful,
drooping gesture. "I know. I feel that too, Claire, sometimes ... When
you feel like your children are out of your grasp ..."
A bell rings in Claire's head and
she realizes suddenly that it has been on the verge of doing so whenever
she has been around Paula this past year.
"Paula?" she asks, almost feeling
as though she is intruding on a private moment now.
Paula's reaction, a quick upwards
jerk of her head as if Claire has startled her, solidifies the feeling
of intruding for Claire. She pauses a moment before speaking.
"Are you thinking about ... about
your other son?"
The nod in response comes quickly
and it seems to Claire that Paula has been waiting months to admit even
that much to someone.
The words that follow so soon afterward
catch Claire by surprise -- not because they are being spoken, but because
they come out with so little hesitation.
"I have been thinking about him.
I always have -- but now more than ever. Since that instant we heard about
Tim ... It's been impossible for me not to wonder what became of my other
son."
"That's understandable."
"I suppose it is," Paula muses. Then,
abruptly, she stands and takes her glass of iced tea from the small table.
She heads inside with a finality that tells Claire the discussion is closed.
For now.
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